Apples and Worms

Apples & Worms

Ardin Patterson, Sept. 1st, 2020.

I once cut my arm

Just so I could breath

Cause my lungs were filled right up

With something heavy

And it made me sick

I thought I might throw up

I didn’t but I wish I had

I didn’t but I wish I never lied

I didn’t but I wish I had

I didn’t but I wish I wouldn’t smile.

Dodo, dododo, laladi, dada (x2)

I wrote it in my own blood

The letters of my name

Cause my reflection was all screwed up

I didn’t look the same.

Inside me rose a panic

It fluttered, it crept in deep.

Dug a hole inside my body

Where my heart used to beat.

Dodo, dododo, laladi, dada (x2)

Let me out

Hear me crying

On the bedroom floor

Little fears have eaten me alive

From the inside

Like an apple devoured by worms.

Here I am broken

Needing someone to hold me up

But I chased them

With fire

Said I had it all figured out.

Dodo, dododo, laladi, dada (x2)

More Music

Songs from Vermin

As promised, yesterday the EP Songs from Vermin released onto streaming platforms, along with the single Loneliness. I had so much fun recording all of…

I Lost My Head – New Single

As promised, I’ve released new music. I tend to sit on songs for months (sometimes longer) before releasing them.

Along with I Lost My Head, are two other tracks, Under Birch Trees and Apples and Worms.


I lost my head

At the party

When you kissed her

And not me

I lost my mind

When I saw you hold her

You pulled her in closely

Why can’t I just accept that

You’ll never love me

You’ll never look at me

Not like that

Why Can’t I accept that

We were never meant to be

You are not my happy ever ending

I thought you cared

I thought you knew

I thought you understood me

Because you noticed

When no one else did

That my spirit was crumbling

And I was losing sight of me

I punched a wall until my knuckles went number

I felt so dumb

Thinking you wanted someone like me

I let my heart

Get devoured

By my false insecurities

My insecurities

I lost my head

At the party

When I saw you kiss her

And not me

I lost my mind

When I saw you hold her

You pulled her in


Why can’t I just accept that

You’ll never love me

You’ll never look at me

Not like that

Why can’t I accept that?

A Poem for Dianna on TikTok

You can read the full poem here on the blog: A Poem for Dianna.

Read More about Vermin

My First Book Signing

I finally did my first book signing this past weekend, and it was so much fun. Releasing a novel during the pandemic was weird. I’m…

Writing Updates

I’ve been writing the third book in the Vermin series by hand, which has honestly been cathartic. I don’t know why I stopped drafting novels…

Heart is Now Available

Heart is available to listen to on Youtube and Instagram! The artwork for this project was created by my lovely sister @nuggiedraws. You can find her on Instagram!

There are three songs in total: Heart, Artist and Juliet’s Song.

I wrote Heart and Juliet’s Song back when I was in the 10th Grade.

I wrote Juliet’s Song for an animated project I made for my English class at the time. Initially it was played on the piano and yes, it is based on the play Romeo and Juliet. I re-recorded and used the song again in university for one of my Shakespeare course finals…and then decided to return to it again to create an acoustic version on the guitar.

Heart, the title track I wrote the same year. If I’m being honest, it isn’t the most emo song I’ve ever written. It’s pretty sad though. It was one of the first songs I wrote with my guitar. The song kept resurfacing over the years at different points in my life. At times I wish the song were longer, but at the same time I don’t think it needs to be. It always just felt right. It’s definitely the most personal song I’ve released. I actually shared the song when I entered the Zepeto Idol competition on Instagram a while back.

Artist I wrote initially as a poem this year and ended up putting music to it on a whim. I actually wrote the song while procrastinating a chapter edit for my debut. Whenever I get stuck on a scene, I try writing something else, like a poem to inspire me. In this case it worked but then I ended up with this recording hanging out on my laptop…and then, I decided that for once I’d actually share the music I’d written versus a cover song.

I hope you enjoy listening to Heart and that you’ll check out @nuggiedraws (I have her gif on my blogs homepage! Cute right?)

A Poem for Rose – Ardin Patterson

A Wide eyed,

Little snowbird is watching.

It’s head is twisting side to side.

Sweet songs it sings and quietly,

It lulls itself to sleep each night.

It watches the frost bitten

Flowers trace my windows.

It watches me brush my hair.

It watches me as I watch you,

With a peculiar sort of stare.

So I hide behind the curtains,

That we bought in robins egg blue

And when sunlight hits them

My room has shadows,

Just like you do.

Written November 30th, 2020 by Ardin Patterson.

Tomorrow is Rose’s birthday so I thought I’d write her a poem. It also started to snow, which made things very fitting. I think snow is pretty but I prefer all the colours of Fall. I do love all the decorations at this time of year though.

A Poem for Dianna – Ardin Patterson

We met in the Fall,

When the leaves nearly matched the colour of your pigtails.

You wore them the same way:

Some days braiding them up like ropes

Others tying them up with ribbons.

Even the cloth you draped yourself in, allowed you to camouflage

Among the apple trees in your front yard.

Passing your house was a thrill,

Knowing at any moment you’d leap from above to walk alongside me,

Apple in hand.

Fall was beautiful and your smile was warm against the coming winter’s chill.

I would have done anything to make you laugh

Yet we butt heads more often than we anticipated.

You were up and I was down,

You were Fall and I was sinking in a frozen sea

Losing sight of you and your reds and greens

And the constellations on your skin.

You ran and I chased you, the way children do

When they play

And I suppose we were children then

But we aren’t now

And I know I can never catch you or make you stay.

Like leaves, we were bound to change.

Written September 27th, 2020 by Ardin Patterson.

I wrote this poem from Roland’s perspective. I think writing poems and songs for or “by” my character’s is one of my favourite exercises. Each of them has their own voice and I find that this really helps me understand them and their motivations better.

I’ve been doing character themed poetry since I was 13…so I guess for 11 years now. I love going back and reading them. Have you ever written a poem or a song based on a character (your own or fanmade).

A Poem for Roland

You are an echo in this lifeless hollow of a tree

Ringing out without reason and heard by few,

If any at all.

The louder your voice the less they listen.

Yet your eyes, your eyes entrap them

Pulling them within the depths of your

Wounded soul.

Some would say you’re shallow,

Unwavering and stubborn

But the façade of you melts away in Spring

And you transform into something new.

In this metamorphosis you are no longer that

Lonely child but a wounded youth on the verge of adulthood

Seeking anyone, anything, anywhere to make you feel whole.

And when you find it you clutch it to your chest

Because you know this is but fleeting

Like most dreams of yours:

A dying thing not worth digging your nails and teeth into

But you do because even the faintest sign of warmth

Is better than this slow rot you call a life.

Written September 27th, 2020 by Ardin Patterson.

Today’s prompt was to write a poem about one of my character’s. This is something I do often. It turned out a little sadder than I’d expected.

Do you like poetry?

Human by Ardin Patterson

Lately I’ve been struggling to find the right words…

Mincing them has never seemed to work.

If I scream will my voice finally be heard,

Or will it get lost among the sirens?

I have spent many years in silence.

I have spent many years holding back my tears,

And all the pain I have buried within my heart,

I feel my skin peeling back; I’m begging to be seen…

As human.

Glitter by Ardin Patterson

I pour glitter in the dirt

To cover up my wounds.

Let the sparkles trickle down, trickle down

And shimmer.

I wear glitter where it hurts

I’ll feel better soon.

Let all the sparkles trickle down, trickle down my skin.

Love is patient

So I’ve heard.

And it is kind,

So that’s the word.

I read so much about love,

But I’m still waiting for someone.

Is it you?

Is it you?